Yum and Yuck, Yin and Yang

So back when I was in 5th grade, the 4th graders at my elementary school put on a Christmas play, and we all piled into the gym to watch the antics of a family coming together for the holidays.  I don't remember the details of the play (other than it dealt with just about every "crazy relatives are packed into one house" stereotype that one normally associates with Christmas), but there was one part that was particularly poignant for me and continues to stick out in my memory to this day.

Two brothers were sitting on a couch arguing over what to watch on TV -- one wanted football, the other It's a Wonderful Life.  They dramatically yanked the remote back and forth in the epic holiday-TV showdown, before their younger sister waltzed in and announced that she had the perfect show to watch.

The stage lights dimmed and the spotlight was on this little girl as she stood center stage and belted out the following three words (I only wish I could describe the tune... it's lovely):

"Martha!  Martha Stewart!"

It was hilariously awesome, mostly because few of my fellow 5th graders cared about who Martha Stewart was and the joke therefore fell somewhat flat on them, but NOT ME!  Oh, no sir!  I, at the ripe young age of 10, was a bonafide Martha Stewart junkie (this was pre-insider trading scandal)... I watched her show rigorously in search of great recipes and phenomenal crafting tricks to one day try out (unfortunately, my parents didn't quite get on board with her recomendation of wrapping each individual Christmas tree branch in lights, but I tried).

I've always loved cooking shows (I watched 8 hours of the Food Network when I was home sick last week), and Martha Stewart was my idol.  I worshiped the East Hamptons air she breathed and the perfectly manicured grass she walked on.

Until, of course, she was sent to "jail".  At that exact moment, Martha was potting soil to me.  I saw her for the lying snob she is, and my "I want to be her" attitude turned into absolute loathing and a disgusted scoff every time I hear her name.

So at the start of this project, I declared that I wanted only recipes with a story, and none that could be found on marthastewart.com.  And so far, I've done pretty well with that.

However, I tell you all of this because this past Saturday, I caved.  I made a Martha Stewart pie.

I debated, I struggled, but in the end this was the perfect pie for what I needed (or so I thought).

As you're aware, Valentine's Day was almost two weeks ago, but my boyfriend was at a conference that weekend, so we celebrated Fake-Valentine's Day last Friday.  We went out to dinner (which was lovely), swapped gifts (I got him the super awesome movie Black Dynamite... be impressed), and had an all-around awesome day.

Well, I also had another gift for him... a super adorable-looking Valentine's pie, courtesy of Martha Stewart's magazine.  It was on the cover, so it had to be good, right?!

Wrong.

I spent 6 hours (SIX!) baking the sucker, which was a Chocolate Ganache Tart in a heart-shaped pan with cutesy meringue hearts all over the top.  The crust was a chocolate pastry crust, which didn't roll out as Ms. Stewart claimed it would, so I wound up throwing the whole lump in my pan and smushing it out with my fingers... not a good start.

I baked the crust, and -- wait, let it be known that part of the subsequent problems with the pie were partially my fault... my pie pan was actually a cake pan in this case, and the baking times (I discovered later) were different, so I overbaked it.  Anyway, I baked the crust and moved on to the meringue. 

I was supposed to put the meringue mixture (combined with different food colorings) in a piping bag and make small hearts to bake and then set atop the pie.  My "piping bag" was a spoon and a bowl (yes, I failed again) and my "hearts" were polka dots.  Urgh.  Martha's pies were clearly not meant for those of us inexperienced bakers who can't afford her fancy shmancy baking tools. 

Moving on... the filling was a bittersweet chocolate ganache, and knowing my past experiences with the bitterness of bittersweet chocolate, I knew I should've swapped some out for semi-sweet, but I was trying to stay with the recipe, so I went ahead and did as instructed.

The pie was baked again, the meringue dots were added, and voila!  I had a Valentine's Day pie!

I wish I had pictures, but alas, those will have to come later, because it's quite hilarious (I snapped a pic of my pie alongside the one of hers, and it's easy to see who's the pro and who's the one in the midst of a mildly stressful pie project).  To give it to you straight, Martha Stewart is fully deserving of all of my spite and anger.  To quote Julie Powell in Julie & Julia, "the bitch lied."

The pie was, in my opinion, awful.  The crust was so dry, dust flew out of my mouth when I coughed, and the filling was far too bitter for my taste.  I hated it.  The boyfriend claimed it was awesome, but that's just a sign of how sweet he is.  Because seriously?  HORRIBLE!  One of the worst I've made so far. 

So to be somewhat crass, suck it, Martha. 

I'm back to being spiteful.  And this means I need recipes!  So... send some!  Please!

The day after the aforementioned terrible-ness, I went grocery shopping (as I had pancakes multiple meals in a row, since they were the only food I had in my apartment), and I made the grave mistake of going shopping while hungry.  Oops.  I picked up a rather random variety of goods, including stuff for chili dogs and tuna noodle casserole.  Ridiculous.

I also picked up roll of cinnamon rolls, and on the drive home realized that cinnamon rolls are a rather idiotic purchase when you live by yourself, as you either have to bake all of them or risk them getting weird after storing them.

Luckily, however, Brianne and Kristine came up with the most genius usage ever for my dilemma, and a new pie invention was born!

We called it "I Was Craving Cinnamon Rolls" Pie, and the recipe was as follows: cinnamon rolls baked as the bottom crust, then topped with baked cinnamon apples and topped off with a drizzling of icing.

Spell it with me: G-E-N-I-U-S!  How awesome does that sound?!  Yeah, yeah, you know your mouth just watered a bit.  Don't deny it.

So anywho, I took the cinnamon rolls and smushed them into a ball which I then rolled out and baked in a pie pan.  They baked up a bit wonky, so I wound up having to smush them down with a spoon to even out the base crust.  The apples on top were perfect (I made them "French style", meaning I threw a stick of butter in a skillet along with five sliced apples and a hearty dose of cinnamon and sugar and baked them until soft), and the icing oozed down into the mixture.

Apart from the "crust" being a bit dough-y, this pie was HEAVEN.  This was the exact opposite of the "Martha Pie"... for every complaint I had about that one, I had a praise to sing about this one.

The only change I plan to make in the future (because, yes, I will be baking this again, and again, and again) is with the crust.  I want to try out a few different methods... coiling the cinnamon rolls into one giant roll and baking it or baking the rolls as is but really close together are the two that I've come up with so far.  Given practice, though, I'll perfect it.  It deserves to be perfected.  Oh yes, it does.  Yum.

The scores for I Was Craving Cinnamon Rolls Pie:
Appearance: 17/20
Taste: 22/25
Crust: 17/20
Filling: 19/20
Originality: 15.2/15 (Brianne gave it bonus points here)
Total: 90.2/100

Comments
The Good:
"The apples looked perfect!"
"This pie was awesome."

The In-Between:
"A better fitting pie pan and keeping the rolls rolled would make it perfect."
On the crust: "Could improve and have more crisp."

The Bad:
"It was a little thin... needs more apples!"
"The crust was a bit chewy/doughy."

Alrighty, so that's all I have for you for now, so have a lovely rest of the weekend and I'll catch you soon :)